There is a thought that visits almost every long-term caregiver, and almost no one says it out loud: I wish this were over.
Sometimes it means I wish she could rest. Sometimes it means I wish I could rest. Sometimes it is both, tangled together so tightly you cannot tell them apart.
This thought is not a wish for your loved one to die. It is a wish for the suffering — hers and yours — to end. Those are different things, even when they feel like the same thing at 3 a.m.
You are not a monster for thinking it. You are a human being who has been holding something very heavy for a very long time, and your mind is looking for an exit, the way a tired body looks for a chair.
A few gentle truths:
- Almost every caregiver has this thought. The ones who don't say it usually have it the loudest.
- The thought is not a prediction. It is not a plan. It is a release valve.
- It often arrives next to its opposite — the desperate wish for one more good day. Both can live in you.
If the thought is becoming a plan — for yourself, or for them — please call 988 right now. That is what it is there for. You do not have to carry that alone for one more minute.
If this sounds like you
Hearthly keeps a private space that's only yours — a place to set down what you're carrying, notice the heavy days, and breathe for a minute. See the caregiver space →